So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
