U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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