You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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