I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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