I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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