My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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