Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
