a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
