Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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