apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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