I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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