I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
There's always time for handjobs
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
