You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
