Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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