I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
