I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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