I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
