i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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