you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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