i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
