so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
