I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
