Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
