Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
