I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize