Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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