So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
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