we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
