so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
