also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
