The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
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he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
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I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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