I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
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I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
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Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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