I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
