OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
The convent might be a nice break from real life
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
