then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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