I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
