Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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