The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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