so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize