my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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