they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
