My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
