I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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