I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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