I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
