I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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