and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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