I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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