he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
