He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
And then he peed in my hair
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