so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
