hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
