you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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